I Don't Need No Crack This Christmas
by hedge99
Summary: Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford falls in love with the all-star soccer player Christiano Ronaldo, he decides to turn away from his old crack-coveted ways to face a new light. Rated T for drug references and slightly sexual content. (Oh and violence.) (There's violence in this fanfiction so you should totally read it) Crack. Absolute Crack. Christiano Ronaldo x Rob Ford


It was a snowy winter day. The ground was covered in crack coloured snow. Rob wanted to consume all the cocaine-look-a-like snow particles. He sat alone in his office licking the window, wishing he could merge with the snow and Finnick.  
In order to fulfil his hunger, he turned on the tv, in hope to see a Mcdonald's commercial.  
But instead he got something better than any big mac, French fries or even a McFlurry sprinkled with asparagus. Instead all his hopes and dreams were fulfilled as a portal of sexiness opened revealing a young individual who was more addictive than any crack cocaine. The young individual had eyes that could only belong to the best football player in the world. His legs were like naked torpedoes. The Mayor or Toronto looked at the gleaming athlete's body and his eyes rested onto the gifted individual's behind. "He got the booty. A twight booty" The words of truth echoed through the mayor's mind.  
"I hope he's Gayroldo." He muttered to himself.  
Onscreen, no other than Christiano Ronaldo took off the cursed piece of fabric called his shirt revealing his coca-cola parched abs and a navel chiseled by the Gods.

"Oh, you are too hot." Rob Ford said with a meaty sigh. "Let me cool you down." He muttered seductively undid his tie as he reached with his grubby hands to grab a 2L bottle of pepsi. He undid the top and small hiss escaped from the carbonated drink.  
Rob Ford couldn't contain himself anymore; he threw the contents of the bottle onto the TV.

"Take that Coca-cola crack abs." He screeched as he fell to the ground. He rolled around on the ground, his suit drenched in the glorious nectar of the Gods-the lustful pepsi.  
His back arched into a perfect parabola shape, the pepsi droplets fell with much grace onto the already sin drenched carpet. He licked the carpet with his white tongue. (Hahahaha Crack.)

"I want you inside me." He muttered in the language only understood by true pepsi lovers.  
The mayor's assistant walked in, she was dressed in all white to represent the crack cocaine.  
"Crackita. Call the fire department, I can't get up."  
"But, Mr. Ford you have to go to the Sickity Kid's dressed up as the Santay Clausey."

"All the Asian kids whose parents make the toys want to tell you what they want for Christmas."

Rob pulled out a pepsi drenched condom and threw it at the screen. "Be safe my love." He whispered before he dragged himself across the floor because he couldn't get up.

Two Hours Later (That's how long it took for him to get up.)

Ford was dressed as the Santa Clause at the Sickity Kids hospital. A man with the platter of the spring rolls turned to Ford and said "Roll for you sir?"  
Rob snapped. "I don't want your hickity tickity peace of poo spring rolls." He paused. "I only want Gayraldo's spring rolls."  
A kid sat on Rob's knee and said "I want a fordby for Christmas."  
Rob snapped. "How come no one asks Santa what he wants for Christmas."  
"We know u want the crack." He said in an unintelligent little kid club penguin voice.  
"No I want Gayraldo covered in the pepsi in the coca-cola glass." He stood up, the sudden action causing the kid to go flying across the room like a projectile-he hulk smashed through the window of the Sickity Kid's hospital, the kid was dead **(Author's Note: First casualty.)** but it ok, he at the hospital-the doctors with the phds (d stands for dynamic doctors) will help him-by reviving him with angry german jingles.  
Rob Ford's sexy creamy voice filled the room with its glory.  
"Ya'll gonna be filled with ho, ho, holes if I dun get ma homosapien male individual." He twirled around, his twerkable booty catching everyone's attention. He jumped up on the guy's spring roll platter crushing the man in the process. **(Author's Note: Second Casualty.) **but they don't help him because this is a children's hospital.  
"Because of Gayraldo, I am a changed man, the lustful pepsi has changed the crack cocaine that flows through these veins. I hae no urge or need to do the crack cocaine except on Sundays, because that is the Lord's day."  
He jumped onto the floor but he mastered the physics, so he didn't need that. (Need what? None of your business you perverted peace of poop.)

It was at that moment that Rob Ford knew that he had to go see his one and only true love. Gayraldo and to fill his beautiful innie belly button with the coca-cola, so he could fill his own belly button with the pepsi and their belly buttons would kiss and the two liquids would mix creating a beautiful sympathy of sexual chaos.  
Rob Ford got on the plane, still in his Santa Clause outfit, he read the twilight so he would know what to say to his love Gayraldo. He knew deep down that he don't need no words-he only needed interpreative dance but he had decided on some twilight inspired words anyways.

"You're a sexual predator, but I am too." He said to his reflection in the mirror. "We can be predas 2getha." He moon walked out of the bathroom snapping the plane in half.  
(An: Everyone dead.)  
But he was right over Madrid, Spain and he fell into Gayraldo's arms.


End file.
